


i wish i could say it's gonna be alright

by keepthekettleon



Series: Post 2x18 Malec Feels [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, M/M, Magnus Bane-centric, Songfic, feelings overload, kinda happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-12 05:07:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11730129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keepthekettleon/pseuds/keepthekettleon
Summary: Magnus realizes that leaving Alec has changed absolutely nothing. But it may already to late...Post 2x18. Possibly canon divergent. Magnus perspectiveSong: Save You - Kelly ClarksonI'm sorry if this breaks your heart. I have to deal with mine somehow.





	i wish i could say it's gonna be alright

**Author's Note:**

> Only arguably a continuation of "i want you here" and "swallowing up my heart", since the first few paragraphs technically contradict "swallowing up my heart". if you want to, you could see it as one, but wasn't intended to be a continuation.

_i can tell, i can tell how much you hate this_  
_and deep down inside you know it’s killing me_  
_i can call wish you well and try to change this_  
_but nothing i can say would change anything_

He’d done it. He’d left Alec standing in the hallway. No matter how much it had pained him to do it, no matter how hard his heart was calling out for him to turn back around, to run back into Alec’s arms, he knew he’d done the right thing. There were decision that had to be made. Worrying about Alec wasn’t gonna help him an any way.

Twisting the black rose between his fingers, it slowly dawned on him… leaving Alec hadn’t made it better. He was still considering Alec in his decision. He would always consider Alec. No matter where he went, no matter their relationship status, he would always care.

But as long as he cared, he couldn’t be objective. He couldn’t put his people first, because as long as he cared about Alec, he would always put Alec first. But how stop caring? And he did the worst thing imaginable. He forced himself to not care. In truth, he was just lying to himself. He still cared, more than ever, but it didn’t matter. His decision was final.

The walk to the Seelie Court was the hardest he ever made. Standing up against the Queen was even harder. And then he stepped out of the Seelie Realm just to find that the world had begun to fall apart.

 _where were my senses?_  
_i left them all behind_  
_why did i turn away?_

He needed to see Alec. Right now. He needed to see that beautiful man and he could only pray to every deity in existence that he would take him back. He had been harsh, unforgiving and so not what Alec, his wonderful Alec, deserved. And that for all the wrong reasons.

His phone ringed when he was about to portal to the Institute. And what he heard made his stomach turn.

 _i didn’t mean, didn’t mean to leave you stranded_  
_went away cause i didn’t wanna face the truth_  
_reaching out, reach for me empty handed_  
_you don’t know if i care you’re trying to find the proof_

When he stepped out of the portal, he was met by the sight of a battlefield. Shadowhunters striking at demons left and right, trying to defend themselves against the sheer unending stream of hellspawns that attacked them from every side.

His magic already crackled in his palms and he threw himself into the battle. Alec was somewhere here. Every demon he killed was one demon less who was able to harm Alec.

He lost track of time, flinging magical fireballs all around. But then, all movement seemed to slow down as he spotted Alec. He was running, a flying demon chasing after him, without a chance to turn around and land an arrow without the beast catching up on him.

And then he saw Magnus. And his steps faltered just long enough for the demon to land a strike.

All of Magnus’ pain that flared up in his chest as he saw Alec fall was channeled in the burst of magic that sent that demon flying back to whatever hellhole it crawled out of. Then he rushed over to Alec, the demon poison already working its way through his body.

“Magnus?” Alec breathed. And Magnus made the mistake to look up to Alec’s face. Unbelieving, hopeful but also so painfully hesitant eyes looking up at Magnus. As if he’d never expected to see him ever again. “What are you doing here?” Something broke inside Magnus when he heard how unsure Alec sounded.

 _there were times i’d wonder_  
_could i have eased your pain_  
_why did i turn away?_

“Shhh… Don’t talk… just stay still… I’m here…” He whispered as he poured his magic into him, trying to heal the deep cut in his side, unshed tears burning in his eyes. They should have been fighting together. If he hadn’t walked away, this would never have happened. It was all his fault. If Alec hadn’t been surprised to see him, he wouldn’t have stumbled, he wouldn’t have been hit, Magnus would have been there to have his back. But he hadn’t been there. And whatever pain Alec was just in, it was his fault.

 _i wish i could save you_  
_i wish i could say to you_  
_i’m not going nowhere_  
_i wish i could say to you_  
_it’s gonna be alright_

He was growing weaker by the second. But he couldn’t let Alec die here. He had to try, to pour everything he had into Alec, after all, it had been him who brought them into this place. But it seemed like his magic was reaching its limit. Black dots started to appear in the corner of his vision and he knew that if he didn’t stop, he would black out.

Still, he poured and poured his magic into Alec. The battle was still raging all around them, Shadowhunters encircling them and warding off every demon as Magnus knelt next to Alec and gave more than he should give, more than he could give. More than once, he felt his consciousness slipping away from him but he pulled himself up again and gave what little magic he had recovered to Alec. How long he went on like that, constantly falling into black oblivion, getting back up and falling back again, he didn’t know. It had to have been hours, because when the wound finally seemed to close, it was almost dawn.

He only realized that the battle had been won when Jace dropped to his knees next to him and grabbed his hand. “I know that ‘virgin shadowhunter’-thing was bullshit. Take my strength and heal him. I know you’re all out of magic. You’ve been out for over four hours by now.”

And Magnus does as he is told. With Jace’s strength, it’s only a matter of minutes. As soon as Alec opens his eyes, Magnus blacks out, his head falling down on Alec’s chest.

_i’m not going nowhere  
it’s gonna be alright_


End file.
